A chicken story

There is a familiar story that tells of a chick hatching out of its own shell. The story tells of how good intentions of helping the chick break out of its egg, the chick will then die. We have heard this told many times, but we have yet to year it from the chick’s point of view. I will attempt to do so now.

Imagine living inside of an egg. It’s dark, warm, and cozy. Everything your heart desires is here. No worries in the world. No stress. You are very content to stay in a snug little egg. Your dream in life is to stay content in your egg. To spend long afternoons nestled inside your egg dreaming of your beautiful egg.

But then, slowly, you notice that you are getting a little cramped in the egg. Your food supply is getting low. Soon the walls of your comfy egg seem a lot closer they once were. It is not so nice anymore. It’s wet, sticky and starting to smell. You squirm around and are not so cheery any more. The distress is overcoming you. No longer able to stretch your legs or reach that itch on in the middle of your back. Each breath becomes more and more difficult to do. It is now a conscious effort to remain calm. Once you become so distressed that you start hating where you are at, and then you begin to notice that you are hating where you are at and you will do anything do leave this place. And then…crack! Something changes. You have this uncontrollable urge to push the walls out of your way. This is all new to you.

“Since when do the walls break?” you ask yourself. “The walls aren’t supposed to break! Something is wrong here! Something must be wrong with me! I hate this!”

Then...you hear a voice. It’s a voice that sounds familiar but you can’t exactly place where you’ve heard it before.

“My sweet chick. I am the guardian of the farm. I am the Farmer.” It says, “You can get through this. You didn’t ask to be put in this situation, but I am here to guard you and watch over you. You can break through this wall and become the beautiful chicken that you were meant to be.”

The voice is soothing and calm. You feel trust in this voice. The voice says to break the wall. But you don’t want to break through the wall. The wall is unyielding and firm. And you are not sure that it is really suppose to be broken. Wasn’t it there for a reason?

“Sweet chicken, I know you will get through this okay, little chick.” The voice comes again, “I love you little Chick. You will come through this challenge stronger than you are now. You will get through this wall, and you will become the beautiful chicken that you were made to be.”

“Ok,” You say to yourself. “I’ll do what the voice asks me to do. I’ll break through the wall.” With your entire little chick might, you ask the wall to break down. But sadly,nothing happens. You ask again. “Please wall, I need you to come down.” And again, nothing happens. The wall is still there, cracked and you are still uncomfortable.

“Hello! Hello out there!” you chirp towards the voice. “Farmer, could you help me out a little? The walls aren’t coming down and if you would remove them for me, then I’ll be able to do what you ask. Then I’ll be able to come and be that chicken you were talking about.”

No answer.

“Excuse me! Farmer, I need you to remove my walls! I can’t do this without your help here! If you want me to do what you asked, then help me with these walls!”

How dare it! How dare that voice encourage you through this ordeal and then abandon you! That voice said that he loved you! And now, while in your darkest moments. When you need the Farmer the most, he is gone.

“Mr. Farmer, I hate you! You did this to me! This is all your fault! I wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for you! How dare you say that I could break through this! You’ve left me, you have gone far away not caring or thinking of me. Why should you care anyway?”

“Peck Sweet Chick! Peck!” came the whisper.

Did you understand that right? Was that the Farmer? The Farmer was telling you to peck. To peck at the walls that have protected you for so long. They have kept you safe and warm. The walls are so strong. There is no way that you can peck at them and make any difference.

Then you begin to say to yourself, “ I am so weak. I am nothing. I can’t accomplish this task given to me. I don’t deserve the Farmer. He must hate me.”

After much squeaking and squawking, you decide that life is miserable within the walls. It’s to much to handle. You feel abandoned and you want to give up. The darkness surrounds you and you are ready to let the darkness win.

Once again you hear the voice. “Little Chick! Little Chick I love you! Peck Sweet Chick! Peck at the walls of your egg!”

What? It is the Farmer again? This gives you hope. Maybe all is not lost. “Perhaps I haven’t been forsaken.” You begin to peck away at your wall, a warm light surges in. The light feels so delicious that you continue pecking away…piece by piece, bit by bit. The hole is becoming larger.

“Farmer!! I poked a hole!! Please remove the rest of the shell! I did what you asked! Help me here!”

“Keep pecking! Don’t stop now! Peck Sweet Chick Peck!

Then, your head pokes out. There is definitely more to see on this other side of the wall. You peck some more, biting away the now nuisance of a wall. You are determined to overcome this challenge of a wall. The wall is then gone. Broken bits are scattered on the ground. You are free of your egg.

“Sweet Chick! You have arrived! I am so grateful we did it!”

Wait a second. Did he just say we?

“Excuse me Mr. Farmer. Thank you for your encouragement but I am the one that freed me from my cell. I did it with no thanks to you. I was the one poking and biting away until the walls fell down. You had nothing to do with this, and how dare you try to say you did! You said you loved me but you abandoned me!”

“Oh, my Sweet Chick. I have never abandoned you. While you were growing in your egg I was here. When your egg cracked I was here also. And when you poked out of your shell, I was here too.”

“Then why did you not assist me when I called for your help! I needed help and you did not answer!”

“Sweet Chick, I could not remove your egg because it would harm you, you would not become what you needed to become. Every chick must discover its own path out of the egg. If anyone else was to pull you from the egg, you would not be able to reach your density of a beautiful chicken. It would harm your progress. I am here to guide you on your path and to protect you from the wolves that may surround you. But only you could choose to emerge from your egg. ”

When a rape victim is going through the healing process, anger toward God is a common step in the healing process. This step is not only familiar with rape victims, but also with anyone who has been traumatized in any way. Being angry towards God is part of the healing process. If you are feeling anger towards God for this terrible thing that has happened to you, congratulations, you are on your way to healing from this atrocity.

“So, why God? Why did this have to happen to me? To this person I love,to my sister,my daughter,my mother, or my wife? Why did this happen?”

Only God can answer those questions. His answer is most likely to complicated to be explained in this life. However, I can tell you some of his answer:

Take yourself back to a time when you were a young child. The world was full of wonder and new things that we were so anxious to discover and explore. As a child, we are only able see things at about 3 feet high. Everything over three feet and we had to have assistance to know what was “up there.” I remember trying to get a drink from the drinking fountain and not being able to quite get my mouth up to the cold water. I could grab the button for the water, but I just wasn’t quite tall enough for more. I knew the water was there even though I could not see it. I would then cry until my mom, dad or older sister would come and lift me so that I could see and reach the water. I also remember standing on my tippy-tip-toes trying to reach the cookies that were on the counter that I couldn’t quite grasp.

Now as a parent I am able to see my children stretch their arms to try to reach those tempting cookies. But do I automatically pick them up everytime? No, of course not. Many times I watch from the side to see what their clever mind is able to come up with to get those cookies. Perhaps he will scoot a chair over to the counter or maybe he will ask an older brother to lift him up. Sometimes, he even asks for my assistance-which I am happy to give.

When we go through trials, God is there watching us like a parent or farmer. He is watching us learn and grow, giving us encouragement along the way. He is not a magician, ready to wave his magic wand to make all of our troubles disappear. Take a baby for instance. If a baby is not given the opportunity to tumble and fall, he will not learn to crawl and walk. The hard times are necessary in order to learn how to run. But the parents are there watching every step, preventing some falls and helping when we topple over.

God is the same way. He watches us learn through trials and experience growth. He knows that there will be times when we tumble in life and it will hurt. Not only will it hurt to crash to the ground, but the healing will hurt also. However, He never abandons us. Even if we think he has, he never will. He is there waiting for us to be ready to have him help us heal. Our parents are looking after us for what is best for us, just as he is looking after us.

If God is protecting us and knows all of the answers, then why did this happen? WHY GOD WHY!?! “Why?” is the question that never seems to be completely answered to a rape victim. There is a very simple answer to this question. That answer is…..I don’t know. Sometimes we will never know why such horrible things happen. If you do not have the answer to this question will you still be able to heal? Do you think God will provide a way for you to heal if you never have the answer to “WHY”? If you do not have the answer will you refuse to heal? There is a universal law that gives every person on earth agency. Every man, woman, child has agency. Everyone has their own will, what they choose to do with it is their agency. God will not take agency away from anyone. This agency may be used to become a perpetrator or it may be used to heal from the perpetrator. It is your choice to let “WHY?” be the reason that you will not heal. Many of us “suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord.”

Healing will take time. Peace takes time. Once you allow God to guide your healing, the process will accelerate. “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3

If Jesus Christ was able to heal lepers, the blind man, the lame man, and the dead man, why not the rape victim. Are we the exception to his healing powers? No. We are able to heal. There may be times in this process when we may feel as if our Heavenly Father has forsaken us. That he is not near us in our time of need. Where is he at this time? I don’t know. I do know that he will never be far from those who want him near. He wants to be there for every step that you make and every piece of shell you remove. He will only interfere when we want him to AND when he sees it best for us. Jesus Christ is waiting at the door, waiting for us to knock and to ask for his help.

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. Revelations. 3: 20

Healing is not easy. Some of the feelings that you might feel are anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, irrational thoughts, shock, fear, rage, sadness, sorrow, guilt, helplessness, and the list can go on and on. These stages of healing, if not dealt with, will become more and more harboring and difficult to live with and heal from. We may find ourselves overwhelmed with these emotions and feelings that we do not understand.

But, we do not need to know how our muscles and bones work in order to learn to walk.

These are natural feelings that occur within the healing process. Feeling these emotions are signals from our loving Heavenly Father telling us that it is time to heal from this traumatic event. Each emotion is attached to a step within the healing process. That is the time to ask him what we need to do next in our healing journey. If we do not completely heal, the negative emotions we hold on to will eat away at our happiness, our health, our families, and out spirit. Protecting the stain on the carpet will not help it be removed any easier. The sooner it is scrubbed at, the sooner it will have no effect on the carpet. Scrubbing is strenuous. It will exhaust you and many times you will wonder if you will ever be finished. You can do it. The Lord will guide you through your shell.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Matt. 7: 7,8

Now is the time to ask the Lord what we need to do next. What we need to do to heal from our current layer of the onion. He is waiting on the other side of the door to whisper to you the answer you need. The answer that will help lead you to becoming the beautiful daughter of God that he knows you can become. The answer is there. Listen. Can you hear it? Can you hear the Farmer calling to you? What is he telling you to do?

A mill does not turn on water past

“Run!” I heard myself screaming. “Run like Joseph ran from Potifer’s wife!” But I couldn’t run. I was frozen. RUN! Why couldn’t I run?

I woke up in a panic. My heart was pounding, I was sweating all over, and my blankets were in a mess all around me. But, I could still feel the cold knife blade pressed against my chin. I could see the knife as it was shoved into the ground just parallel to my eyes. The long blade reflects in the moonlight and the bone handle tied with a leather tassel, never leaves my memory. In my dream I get tired of looking at the knife. The knife that has paralyzed me night after night. Some nights, I use the knife and I wake up expecting to see it in my hand. But when I wake up, there is no knife in my hand. No blood on my fingers. And once again, I didn’t kill him.

That is the dream that I prefer to have. The alternative leaves me anxious and terrified for most of the next day. Because when I have the alternative dream, then it’s not a dream anymore, it’s remembering. It is remembering the day that I wished I used the knife instead of being held hostage by it, unable to move or breathe as he forced himself on me.

It was thirteen years ago that the nightmares began. Thirteen years of secrets, feeling ashamed, and of healing. Thirteen years of learning a very difficult lesson about myself and about God. It is a journey that I do not regret and one that I do not wish upon anyone. However, it is not unique or original. This may have happened to me, but the pain has been suffered by many. Over the course of history and the world, pain has been felt by victims, family members, loved ones and strangers time and time again. My pain is unique to me, as others suffer from their pain. However, pain is pain and healing must take place no matter what pain is felt. Whether the pain is caused from a tragic accident, a natural disasters or someone else inflicting it upon you, all pain needs healed.

The journey to begin healing one’s pain can be very difficult. I have often compared healing to the peeling of an onion. There are many different layers to an onion. When an onion is being peeled, it is easy to notice that there is another layer of onion ready to take the place of the last layer removed. Layer after layer must be dealt with in order to finally reach the core of the onion.

The beginning of peeling the onion begins the same for everyone. It must be a desire to heal. Without the desire to heal, no healing will take place. Imagine placing a piece of duct tape over the check engine light, hoping that it would solve the problem. Nothing would be solved, and it would only be making the matter worse in the long run. Healing isn’t something that can be covered up and ignored with the hope that the problem will be solved; it is something that must happen from within. A broken bone cannot be healed with just a cast; the bone must first be in the right position to heal. Once it is set, then the healing can begin.

The onion will not be peeled very far, if the one peeling it is not willing to remove the next layer. The next layer may stink, and may even make your eyes sting. You may have all of the desire in the world to remove the next layer of onion, but if you are not willing to do whatever it takes to remove it, it will never be removed. To heal, you must be willing to do whatever it takes to heal. This may include reading various books, talking to loved ones, writing down your experiences or perhaps even talking to someone who is more knowledgeable about the path that you are on. With desire and willingness, healing is possible from anything.

When the desire and willingness is there, the healing process takes on a journey exclusive to the individual. Everyone’s journey is different from everyone else’s and yet there are a few steps that may be similar for everyone. Besides desire and willingness, one of these steps is one of the most important. It may be a large step, a small step, or many of both. This step was very difficult for me. It is to realize that the event that took place was an event. It is not you. It was something that happened to you, but it does not make who you are. You are you, no matter what happens to you in your life. You choose who you are in spite of your surroundings and circumstances. This connection was finally made for me when I read Louis L’amour’s book Walking Drum. He explained it in such a way that finally I was able to take this thirteen year step. L’amour said, “A mill does not turn on water past.” In other words, the water and problems of yesterday are not making the mill and today’s choices run today. For years I have heard this principle. However, I would rebel the principle and yell out “You don’t understand! Don’t you see what has happened to me! I will forever be defined by this!” But then, one day I was reading a book and everything changed for me. Everything. My desire and willingness was finally where it needed to be and my page turned on the journey of healing and I was finally ready to read the next chapter in my story. I had taken the next step. One may hear this principle said in many different ways. L’amour, in fact, says it several times in different ways in Walking Drum. (The sail does not move with yesterday’s wind etc.) But it means the same thing. What happens to you or around you in life, does not define who you are. It is an experience that happened to you and you choose who you will become because of that experience.

For instance, imagine yourself to be the letter “A.” As the letter A you may be placed in a various amount of situations. You may find yourself in the word “cat,” and the sound of the A is true and you are definitely recognized as the letter A. You may be placed in the word “want’” and although you sound slightly different than “cat”, you are still noticeable as the letter A. One day you may find yourself in the word “cake,” although you make a different sound, no one mistakes you for anything except the letter A. But, one day, you find yourself in the word “read,” and your identity is in question. You believe you have no phonetic value in the word read, and you are confused, puzzled, and perhaps angry at why any dictionary would want to place you in such a word that does not give you the value that you deserve. And yet, you find yourself in the word “read,” and you are still the letter A. You desire to know why you are included into this word that apparently does not aid in your mission as the letter A, and finally you are willing to do whatever it takes to learn why you are in that word. You learn that you are needed in the word “read” so that the rest of the letters may perform to their best abilities, and you are able to accept that and move on to the next word that you are invited to join. Your circumstances may change throughout life, but your core will always remain. Circumstances cannot change who you are, you are the only person with enough power to change yourself. You may have been raped, however it does not have the power to stop you from accomplishing your dreams. You can still be a loving wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend. You can still attend college, serve your community, have a family, attend church. The rape will change who you are but you are able to decide how it will.

My journey continues as I continue to peel my onion. Layer after layer is painfully removed to shed the next layer of healing. My desire and willingness come and go as I remember what happened to me was not a dream and it is not defining who I am. The nightmare that plagued me for years has not returned since I turned that page in the Louis L’amour book. I don’t know if it will be found in another layer of healing or if it is gone for good. Healing is a personal path given to us to help us be ready to face the next challenge in our life. When we have the desire and the willingness to learn from the past instead of living in it, we allow the water of today to turn our mill.

Every two minutes

In 2007, there were 248,300 victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. That equates one every two minutes.

The consequences of rape are life altering. In my opinion there is nothing more traumatic. I do not know of any other crime where the victim may be victimized more than just at the time of the crime. They may be mistreated by the justice system, perhaps by her peers or family, and almost always by herself as she re-plays the events repeatedly in her mind. When someone is raped, they are changed forever.

The purpose of this blog is not to solve all of the problems that arise with rape. I am not a professional counselor or therapist. I am someone who has been there. I was raped when I was 19. It has been a long journey of healing to arrive where I am today. After several years, I am able to talk about what happened to me. Through counseling, support groups, mentors and books I have learned a great amount in my quest for feeling whole again. I plan to share what I can. There are many resources on the internet for rape/assault victims. –Many of which I plan to link to and to reference to. I cannot replace a therapist and I STRONGLY suggest that you find one for your healing journey. I only wish to share what I have learned with those who may need it. I know you are out there. Remember…every two minutes someone in America is sexually assaulted.